Thoughts of Denial

Date: Sat, 20 Oct 2007 10:11:30 -0700 (PDT)
From: Lusty
Subject: Thoughts of Denial

I am five days away from being a college freshman. I am not
gay. I fantasize about guys and I may like them more than girls
but that doesn’t make me gay. I’m possibly bisexual but openly
straight. I have a cool girlfriend who’s bisexual for show. She
thinks it’s sexy for her to mess around with girls. She thinks it
turns me on and I pretend like it does, but I really think it’s
disgusting. The thought of her with another girl is revolting.
However, the thought of her with another guy turns me on to no
end. I love the idea of a hot guy fucking her. I can just see his
ass bouncing up and down between her legs and I can imagine what
it would feel like if he was fucking me and not her.

Tonight I am at a big going away party. Scooter Jameson is
going off to college. I could care less. I mean who died and made
that asshole king? I’m going off to college too. Where’s my
fucking party? Everyone acts like Scooter single handedly won the
state championship in football. What about me? I’m the fucking
quarterback! I threw the three touchdown passes that he caught. I
handed him the ball when he ran in for his fourth touchdown. I’m
going to State on a football scholarship just like him but no one
cares. I hate knowing that I’ll be seeing him for four more years
of my life. I hate it because I know it means four more years in
his fucking shadow. God I hate him.

“Yo Bobby, think fast.”

I look up and see a beer sailing towards me. I catch it and
smile at Scooter. “Thanks, man.” I hold the beer and look at
Scooter for a second. He’s not that much to look at. I mean he’s
tall and has a good body from football, but if you ask my
opinion, he walks funny and he’s not as cute as everyone says he
is. His nose is way too damn big for his face and there’s
something about him that doesn’t seem right. I don’t understand
why the girls love him and the guys want to be around him. He’s
not that special.

I take the beer and leave the room because I try not to be
near Scooter. His presence alone is enough to put me in a sour
mood. I find my girlfriend in the middle of a crowd of people
dancing with her best friend. We’ve had a few drunken threesomes.
Guys are always telling me how lucky I am to have the two of
them. They have no idea that I spend the day after our threesomes
throwing up and praying that we never do it again. Being between
the two of them is just nasty. They’re both cute girls but I’m
not attracted to either of them. I have to think about guys just
to stay hard. A few times I’ve gone soft and they’ve had to get
me hard again.

I watch them dance while I drink. They would both look so
much better if they were a few inches taller, had short hair,
less pronounced hips and no breasts. I mentally pause for a
second as I realize they would look like boys if I had my way.
Boys are cute. I drop the empty beer can on the floor and I walk
over and grab my girlfriend. I kiss her full on the lips. My
hands go to her butt and I grab a handful of ass in both hands. I
do these things to her all the time in public. I like knowing
that people are watching me assert my male dominance.

She gently pushes me away and whispers, “You ready to go?”

I know I’m not drunk enough to give her what she wants so I
kiss her on her forehead, “Not yet. Let’s wait until other people
start leaving.”

She moves close again and smashes her breast against my
chest. “Megan and I are going to have so much fun with you
tonight.”

“Not tonight.” I never turn down a threesome so I have to
think fast. I kiss her. “I just want to be with you tonight. We
only have a week left and then I won’t be able to see your pretty
face everyday.”

She pouts. It’s so not sexy and it doesn’t work on me, but I
act like it does. “I told you to come to Spencer with me and
Megan.”

“Spencer didn’t give me a scholarship.” I move my right hand
off of her butt and softly place it on her lower back. “Let’s not
talk about that. I don’t want to lose my buzz.” I kiss her on the
lips again then I take my hands away and tell her, “Go dance with
Megan.” She turns and I smack her on her butt.

I watch Joann and Megan dance for a few minutes then I walk
away. I pass through the living room and someone calls my name. I
see that it’s Scooter so I ignore him and keep walking. Seconds
later a hand is on my shoulder. I stop and turn around.

“Where you going Bobby?”

“Nowhere.”

Scooter puts his arm around my shoulder. “Come drink with
the rest of us.”

I pull away. “That’s okay.”

“Come on. Just one drink.” He smiles at me.

I admit he has a nice smile. He should be a salesman because
his smile would do all the work for him. His whole face seems to
shine when he smiles. I can’t say no to a smile like that. “Okay.
One drink.”

He leads me over to a table with a bunch of guys around it.
I glance at the table and I know the one drink thing is not going
to happen. “Look who came to drink with us!”

The guys cheer. I realize I only know two of them. One of
them, Nate, a cornerback on the team, gets up and gives me his
seat. I sit and the game begins. I down drink after drink, after
drink until it’s just me and Scooter left. I know I’m past my
limit but I refuse to lose to Scooter so I keep drinking. The
game ends at some point. I’m not sure who wins because I am
completely gone. Someone leads me to Joann and then they lead us
upstairs to a bedroom with a queen size bed. The person holds me
and I say something out loud but I don’t know what. They put me
on the bed and I close my eyes. I open my eyes and see Joann
kissing someone and then it’s lights out for me.

I wake up and I’m naked. I don’t know how I got this way.
I’m spooning Joann and someone is spooning me. I am aware of a
dick pushing against my butt and I realize it’s a guy behind me.
I want to move but I’m afraid to wake up anyone and I’m afraid to
see the face of the guy in bed with us. My bladder begins to beg
me to empty it and I have to choose between moving and pissing
all over myself. Obviously, I decide to move. As I sit up, the
arm draped around me pulls me tighter. It freaks me out for a
second then I calm down and push the arm off of me. I get out of
the bed and stumble to the door. My stomach feels sick from all
the beer I drank and I swear the door moves a little as I try to
unlock it. I finally unlock the door and then I stumble down the
hallway until I find a bathroom. I walk in the bathroom and start
peeing in the toilet. It seems like I’m standing forever. I sway
a little. I know I can’t stand much longer. Something tells me to
sit. I straddle the toilet and sit slowly, carefully aiming my
piss in to the bowl. I let my head fall forward and rest on the
cloth covered toilet lid.

I hear a noise by the door so I look over and see someone
standing in the doorway watching me. The person steps forward. I
should have known Scooter would be the one to find me. I wonder
why he’s naked. He waits until I’m done pissing and then he puts
his arms around me. “Let me go,” I whine.

“I’m taking you back to bed.”

He is the guy from the bed. I’m stunned. I let him help me
stand and I let him give me a shake to get the extra piss off and
I let him walk me back to the bedroom. He puts me in the bed and
he smiles at me. God I hate his smile. I turn and hold Joann and
I feel Scooter getting in bed with us. I look over my shoulder
and ask, “What are you doing?”

“Going back to sleep.”

“In here?”

“Yes.”

“I um”

“Ssh, go to sleep. We can talk about it in the morning.” He
snuggles in behind me and my body twitches at first then I
realize it feels nice. My body tells me not to protest. I kiss
the back of Joann’s neck and close my eyes.

I wake up again and Joann is missing and someone is jerking
me off. I know it’s Scooter and I wonder if I should pretend to
be asleep of if I should stop him. He places soft kisses on my
neck then he tightens his grip a little and I moan. He stops. He
must know I’m awake. I have to say something. “Scooter?”

He moans in my ear, “Yes?”

“What are” I stop when I feel his hardon pressing against
me. “Did we”

“Ssh,” he whispers. He speeds up his jerking and I give in.
I close my eyes and focus on shooting. Scooter keeps moaning in
my ear and pushing against me. He starts kissing down my neck and
then he nibbles on my shoulder. His lips feel like silk on my
skin. I start shooting. He puts his hand over the tip and catches
most of it. “Are you done?” he asks. All I can do is shake my
head. He takes my load. His hand passes my head and I hear him
taste the contents and say, “Mmm.” Then he moves his hand to his
hardon and I know he’s smearing part of me all over part of him.
His frantic pace shakes the bed and seconds later he shoots all
over my ass. He moans loudly and then he sinks his teeth in to my
shoulder and makes a whimpering sound. Suddenly he is completely
still and we both lay there. I am afraid to move, but I’m not
sure why he’s not moving. A moment later his mouth releases my
shoulder. He kisses the spot he bit and then lazily drops his arm
around me.

I turn around and face him. His big nose doesn’t look quite
as big; in fact, his nose looks kind of cute, like a nice cushion
on his face. He smiles. I smile back. Then he begins leaning in
and I have to turn my head to keep him from kissing me. I quickly
turn back around. “Where’s Joann?”

“She got up and ran out. She’s probably throwing up in the
bathroom.”

I sit up. “I should go check on her.”

“Okay.”

I slide across the bed, rubbing his cum in to the sheets,
and I get up and walk out without looking at Scooter. The walk
down the hallway is much easier than the other time. I think what
happened with Scooter has sobered me up some. I push the bathroom
door open and Joann is on the floor dry heaving in to the toilet.
It is my duty as her boyfriend to help so I walk over to her and
look at the mess she’s made. I flush the toilet and hold her hair
back. She dry heaves a few more times and then she stops and sits
back on her feet. I let go of her hair and grab a towel and wet
it with cold water then I wring out most of the water and put the
towel on her forehead.

“Ann how much did you have to drink?”

She looks at me through semi-glazed eyes and says, “Too
much.” A hint of a smile dances across her lips and all I can
focus on is the vomit on her face.

I use the towel and wipe her face. She tries to stand but
she ends up pulling me down closer to her. I help her up and lead
her back to the bedroom. Scooter gets up and helps me with her
when I bring her in to the room. “You two are both lightweights,”
he comments as we put her in the bed and I tuck her in. She’s
asleep seconds after her head hits the pillow.

Scooter moves behind me and grabs me. I pull away, “Don’t do
that.”

“Sorry.”

I look at Joann and I’m not sure if I should lie down next
to her and risk Scooter joining us or if I should find somewhere
else in the house to crash. I see my underwear on the floor so I
pick them up and put them on. I glance at Scooter who is proudly
standing naked next to me like it’s perfectly normal. I can’t be
in the same room with him. “I’m going”

He grabs my hand. “Let’s go get something to drink.”

I yank my hand away. “I think I’ve had enough to drink! I’m
going to sleep on the floor.”

“I just meant coffee or something, but fine, we can sleep on
the floor.”

“Not we,” I correct, “I’m sleeping on the floor.”

His smile is gone. I see that he gets it. His eyes stare at
a spot on the carpet. “No she’s your girlfriend. You take the bed
and I’ll sleep on the floor.”

His suggestion seems quite rational and I wonder why that
solution hadn’t occurred to me. “Okay.”

I crawl in the bed and put my arm around Joann. Scooter
kisses Joann on her cheek and then he kisses me on my cheek and
says, “Goodnight.”

He lies on the floor and I lay in the bed. I can’t seem to
get comfortable. I miss him being behind me but I can’t let on
that I want him to join us again so I lay there, miserable and
uncomfortable, and I wait until my body has no choice but to go
to sleep.

Someone is pushing me. I wake from my dream and discover
that someone is shaking me in real life. I open my eyes and see
Joann. The brightness of the room makes my eyes flutter and I
close them for a second. “Wake up,” Joann says while shaking me
some more.

I open my eyes again. I remember where we are and my eyes
open wider. I sit up and look around the room for Scooter. I see
him sprawled out on the floor, naked as the day he was born.
“What happened?” I ask.

“You don’t remember?” I give her a look and she starts
explaining, “You got loaded and Scooter came to get me and we
brought you up here and then you told Scooter you wanted him to
fuck me because you couldn’t.”

“I did?”

“Yes, and we asked if you were sure and you said I keep
giving you Megan and you wanted something different. You said you
wanted to watch me with another guy.”

“I said all that?”

“You were hard to understand, but yeah. That’s what you
said.”

“And you did it?”

She blushes. She never blushes. “Yes. You watched for a
minute then you went to sleep then you woke up and started
watching again.”

“And you actually let him do you?”

“I was drunk.”

“Your memory seems pretty good.”

“You know how I am. I remember everything.”

That’s true. She drinks like a fish, loses all her
inhibitions, gets sick and then remembers everything the next day
except for the getting sick part. “How are you feeling?” I ask.

“My head hurts like hell, but I guess I deserve it. How
about you?”

I look at Scooter on the floor. “I’m wondering exactly what
happened with me and Scooter.”

She laughs. “Don’t freak out. Nothing happened. Scooter and
I did it and when we were done you pulled me close and cuddled
with me. Scooter felt left out so he got behind you and cuddled
with you.”

“Why didn’t he just get on the other side of you?”

“There was no room.”

“You could have scooted over.”

“We were drunk. I don’t think anyone was thinking clearly.
It’s not like he tried to touch you or something. Stop being so
homophobic! Trust me, Scooter is straight.”

I beg to differ but I keep that to myself because I don’t
want her to know what I did with Scooter, well what Scooter did
to me because it was all him. I had no part in what happened
between us. I stare at Scooter’s body on the floor and I begin to
feel angry. How dare he fuck my girlfriend, even if I did tell
him to do it. Hell, he’s better than me at everything, he
probably fucked her better than I ever could. Joann will probably
be dissatisfied with everything I do now. I stare at Scooter’s
chest as it rises and falls and I hate him for breathing. I hate
him for existing. I hate him for being so damn likeable that
everyone loved him except me. I hate him for using his smile to
manipulate me. How dare he smile at me and how dare he touch me
like that, and how dare he grab my hand and how dare he hold me.

I fly out of the bed and start hitting Scooter. He wakes up
and tries to push me away. When he realizes I’m serious, he
quickly does a few moves and pins me beneath him. I look at Joann
and she’s in shock. I close my eyes and pray that he has a slow
agonizing death and he burns in hell for all of eternity for
emasculating me in front of my girlfriend. This is why I hate
him. His natural prowess irks me to death. There has to be
something that he’s not good at but I don’t know what it is. The
way he acts, he’ll probably die like a pro and end up on the VIP
list in heaven.

I open my eyes and glare at him. His eyes stare back at me
and that stupid irresistible smile begins to appear. “That’s
enough boys, now kiss and make up,” Joann says.

“Okay,” Scooter replies.

I see his face coming close to mine, but I don’t move. His
lips press against mine and I try to move but he has me securely
pinned beneath him and I am powerless to stop him. He presses his
lips harder against mine and his tongue quickly flickers across
my lips. Without warning, his tongue begins applying more
pressure and forces its way in to my mouth by slipping almost
effortlessly between my lips. I want to kill him but my body
wants to thank him for the sensations its having. I tentatively
return the kiss hoping that he will back off when I do, but he
doesn’t. His kiss becomes more insistent and more passionate and
I get carried away by the waves of pleasure sending signals
throughout my body. He ends the kiss as abruptly as he began it
and I open my eyes the second his tongue leaves my mouth. I want
his tongue back. I want the full pressure of his body back. His
kiss was nothing short of amazing. I have never been kissed like
that by anyone. I take a deep breath and watch him as his face
moves farther away and he starts standing up.

I am one with the carpet. I cannot move. I don’t want to. I
want to lay there and memorize every moment because it will never
happen again. I’m not gay. There’s no way I’m going to kiss a boy
again, even if it was the best thing I have ever felt. Scooter
extends his hand and I take a deep breath before I grab it. I
stand and surprise myself when I realize I’ve been staring in to
his eyes. He smiles at me and makes me weak in the knees.

I look at Joann. Her mouth is wide open. “That was hot!” she
says. “Do it again!”

Scooter’s arms snake around my waist and he starts pulling
me closer. Right before we’re close enough to kiss again, I have
a moment of clarity. I can’t let him kiss me. I push him away,
“Eww, that’s so gay,” I say. I know it’s childish but it was the
best I could come up with.

He looks hurt but he quickly recovers and smiles again. He
quietly mumbles, “What’s really gay is how hard you are right
now.” He turns to Joann and laughs, “He’s not going to kiss me
again, so what about you?”

Joann looks at me for permission. I shake my head without
thinking then I am forced to watch as Scooter shoves his tongue
down my girlfriend’s throat. The thing that hurts the most is not
the fact that the guy I hate is kissing my girlfriend, but
rather, the fact that the guy I hate is kissing my girlfriend and
I wish I was her. I immediately think about how his lips felt
against mine.

“Okay you two,” I say.

Joann stops the kiss and Scooter backs away. He grabs his
pants off the floor and winks at me as he leaves. “See you at
college.”

What is that suppose to mean? Is he trying to tell me
something or is he just stating the obvious. I start putting my
clothes on. Joann begins doing the same. “What a night,” I say as
I pull my shirt over my head.

“I know. I can’t believe you got off on me being with
another guy and Scooter at that. I thought you couldn’t stand
him.”

I have nothing else to say to her. We finish up and leave
Scooter’s cousin’s house without seeing Scooter again. As I drive
Joann home, I file away the memory that she let Scooter fuck her
and I plan to use it to break up with her before I leave. I love
that she tries so hard to please me but I’m not going to be
anyone’s meal ticket. She was fun for high school and that’s it,
high school. College means I need a woman, not a girl.

I drop Joann off at her house and then I stop at a donut
shop for some coffee and a donut. I decide to eat there so I sit
at a small table by the window. My back is to the door and I
don’t see him until it’s too late. I hear him first. He orders a
glazed donut and a regular coffee. His voice sends shockwaves
through my body and I panic. I grab my donut and my coffee and
head for the door. Nate is standing behind him and Nate sees me.

“Hey Bobby!” Nate shouts. They all turn to look at me. I
make eye contact with Scooter and I freeze. I am scared to death
and I fear I might be only seconds away from losing control of my
bodily functions and shitting myself. “Damn, you look like you’ve
seen a ghost,” Nate says. He steps towards me and blocks my view
of Scooter. “Maybe you should sit back down for a few minutes.” I
want to say no but I can’t. I let Nate guide me to a table and
pull out a chair. I sit and then he sits down next to me. “Dude,
are you okay?” he asks.

I stare at him for a moment and try to remember how to
speak. I nod my head a few times before I manage a weak, “Yes.”

“No you’re not,” he says. “What happened? Did you have a
fight with Joann?” His hand makes contact with my shoulder and my
mind goes blank. For a moment I’m back in the bed and Scooter is
biting that same shoulder. Nate shakes me a little. “Is that it?
Did you have a fight with Joann?” I don’t answer. “I know it must
be rough,” he says. “The two of you have been together since
freshman year, but maybe it’s for the best. If you’re meant to be
then everything will work out and you’ll end up together. You
know that don’t you?”

Scooter sits down across from me and I glance at his eyes
before I focus on the table. The table can’t seduce me. The table
can’t remind me of what it feels like to be in its arms. The
table is safe. “What’s wrong?” Scooter asks.

You. I hate you. I hate everything about you. I even hate
your stupid nickname. Who the fuck calls their son Scooter? How
do you get a nickname like that? I give him a look of irritated
disbelief. Then he smiles and I wish I can jump over the table
and kill him. I just want him to go away. I don’t like being near
him. I don’t like the way I feel when I’m near him. I don’t like
the way he looks at me when I’m near him.

Nate and I have been friends since sophomore year when we
both made varsity. He puts his arm around me, “Do you want to go
somewhere private and talk?”

My eyes dart to Scooter and I see him glare at Nate for a
moment before he looks back at me and smiles. “We’re all cool
here,” Scooter says. Scooter’s cousin sits down next to him.

I think for a moment. “We’re not all cool,” I tell him.
“I’ve never liked you. You grate on my last nerve! Everything
about you irritates me. The fact that you exist at all is a thorn
in my side.”

He laughs nervously and says, “Tell me what you really
think.” I stare him down and he returns my stare with the same
intensity. I blink and he says, “Ha, you blinked first.”

“Everything isn’t a fucking joke!” I shout as I stand and
walk away from the table. Fuck my coffee and my donut. I just
want to get away.

I’m in my car and about to slam the door when Nate runs up.
“Wait!” He holds my door so I can’t close it then he inserts his
body between the door and the car. “What was the about?” he asks.

He knows I don’t blow up on people for no reason. He knows
something is wrong and I know it’s best to tell him something. I
tell him the first thing that comes to mind, “He fucked Joann
last night.”

Nate looks surprised. “He did?” He takes a step back. “Aww
man, I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”

“No one knows.”

“I can’t believe Scooter would do that. He’s always talking
about how much he respects you. You don’t do that to someone you
respect. That’s fucked up.” He looks back towards the donut shop.
“I didn’t know he had it in him.”

“Neither did I,” I say.

“How’d you find out? Did she tell you?”

“Yes.”

He stands there lost in thought for a moment. “Will you give
me a lift home?”

“Huh?”

“I came here with Scooter and Sean but I don’t know if I can
look at Scooter right now. I thought he was a better person than
that. How could he do this to me?”

“To you?”

Nate looks at me. He appears close to tears. “I meant how
could he do this to you? It’s not right and to make it worse the
rest of us are moving on to different schools but you two are
going to college together. You’re going to be on the same team.
You’re going to have to throw the ball to him. How can you have
any chemistry on the field?”

“Nate it’s just football. I spent four years throwing him
the ball and not liking him. I’m sure I can handle four more.”

“I guess you can.” He sticks his head closer. “So are you
giving me a ride or not?”

“Sure, hop in.”

Nate and I spend the next fifteen minutes bashing Scooter.
Well in all fairness, I spend the next fifteen minutes bashing
Scooter and Nate listens. Nate has always been a good listener. I
drop him off and then I drive home.

I spend the next week getting ready for college and ignoring
Joann. The day before I’m planning to leave I see Joann’ car
parked by the curve as I pull in. I walk inside and Joann and my
parents are sitting at the table talking. The conversation stops
when they see me.

“What’s going on?” I ask.

“Why have you been avoiding Joann?” my mother asks.

“I don’t really think it’s any of your business,” I say. My
mother raises her eyebrows and I can almost hear her screaming,
`What the hell did you just say to me?’ I lean against the door.
“Look Joann knows what she did and I don’t know why she’s here
pretending like I suddenly started ignoring her.”

Joann looks terrified. “You know?”

My mother tells my father they should go in the living room
and they leave. I sit at the table across from Joann. “What do
you mean, `I know?’ of course I know.”

“Who told you? Was it Nate or Scooter?”

“Huh?” It occurs to me that we may be talking about two
different things so I start fishing, “Oh, um, Nate told me.”

“What exactly did he say?”

“He told me everything.”

“When?”

I had only seen Nate once that week. “He told me Saturday
morning after the party.”

She puts her head down. “I’m sorry,” she says, “I’m so
sorry.”

“It’s okay,” I tell her.

“It’s not okay. I shouldn’t have cheated on you.”

“You cheated on me?”

She squints at me and then softly asks, “You didn’t know?”

I hesitate, “Of course I knew. It just sounds strange when
you say it out loud.” I fold my arms. “I can’t believe you
cheated on me with Scooter.”

“Scooter? You can’t count that against me! You told me to do
it.”

It’s Nate. Joann is cheating on me with Nate. “You’re right.
I did.” I sit back in my chair. “You and Nate, huh?”

She wipes her eyes. “Yeah,” she whispers.

“What about me?”

“You have to get drunk just so you can have sex with me.
Nate doesn’t.” She puts her hand on the table. “I can’t believe
he told you. I thought maybe Scooter said something, but I can’t
believe it was Nate.”

“How long has Scooter known?”

“He was there when it all started.”

I look at her red hair that’s cut in to a bob around her
face. She’s evil. I flashback to Nate’s reaction that morning
when I told him about Scooter and Joann. Nate was hurt because
Scooter knew about him and Joann and Scooter fucked her anyway.
“Nate loves you,” I whisper.

She stares at me with shock on her face and then she shakes
her head. “I know.” I start laughing. “What’s so funny?” she
asks.

“All summer I’ve been planning on dumping you tonight. I’ve
been mentally storing excuses to break up with you and I have a
shitload of reasons but now they don’t matter. I never thought
you would cheat on me. I never counted that as a possibility.” I
stand up. “We’re through.” I turn to walk away. “You can let
yourself out.”

“Wait!”

I stop but I don’t turn around. “What do you want?”

“I want you to ask yourself why you have to work so hard to
get it up for me but you sprang up just from Scooter holding you
on the way to the bedroom that night.”

“I was drunk!”

“You weren’t drunk the next morning when you kissed him like
you loved you. I have never seen a kiss that passionate before.
There was something there.”

“There was nothing there!”

“How can you deny it? I saw it with my own two eyes!”

“You need glasses then.”

“No I don’t!”

I glare at her over my shoulder and remind her of the most
important fact. “I hate him, remember?”

“Maybe you don’t hate him as much as you say you do.”

I turn around completely and face her. “What the hell is
that suppose to mean?”

She grabs her purse and stands. “You’re in the top ten
percent of the class. You figure it out!” I watch her stomp
across the kitchen and out the door. I go to my room and sit on
my bed and I realize that I’m more upset that she implied I might
be gay than I am with her cheating on me with Nate. I tell myself
that I can’t be gay and if I was gay Scooter would be the last
man on the planet who I would fall in love with.

After a few minutes, I walk to my desk, shutdown my
computer, unhook all the parts and pack it away in a box. My room
is packed up for the most part. I’m leaving my winter clothes
behind because I plan on coming home and exchanging them with my
summer clothes when the weather starts to change. I’ll probably
be home at least once or twice a month. The good thing about
State is that it’s not too far. Two and a half hours away from
home is a good enough distance for me to feel independent and
still be close enough to come home whenever I want.

I have dinner with my family and around dusk I start loading
up my car. I am putting a box on top of my luggage in the trunk
when I hear someone pull in behind me. I sit the box down and
turn around. The headlights blind me. The person turns the lights
off and I make out a red truck and a guy with a hat in the
driver’s seat. The guy gets out and I carefully watch Scooter
walk towards me. It seems like slow motion. He leans against the
front of his truck and says, “We need to talk.”

“No we don’t.”

“There’s something I need to tell you.”

“No there isn’t.” I turn and push the box to the back of the
trunk. I stand up and turn back around. Scooter is close enough
to kiss me. I back away and end up sitting in the trunk. “What
the hell?”

“Now that I have your attention, maybe you’ll listen.” I
move to stand but he pushes me back down. “Stay there,” he barks.
“Don’t you want to know what happened between us in that room?”

“No!”

“Why not? I would want to know.”

“Well I’m not you. I don’t want to know. I don’t care!
Nothing happened!”

“Something did happen! Something happened between us. I know
you felt it!”

“I didn’t feel anything but I did see you fucking my
girlfriend!”

“You got off on me fucking your girlfriend!” He kicked my
legs apart and stepped between them. “Did Joann tell you how hard
you got while I carried you up the stairs? Did she tell you that
you woke up before I started fucking her and you kissed her but
your eyes stayed on me? Did she tell you that you took off your
clothes and begged me to let you line me up with her? Did she
tell you that after I was inside her, you got on the floor behind
us and watched me fuck her or that you kept putting your hands on
my butt and squeezing it? Did she tell you that?” He takes
another step forward. “Did she tell you that the only reason I
fucked her was so that you could see what a slut she was and
while I was fucking her all I was thinking about was fucking
you?” He rubs the side of my face. I turn away. “No, she didn’t
tell you that because she didn’t know, but you knew didn’t you?”

I swallow hard. “How would I know?”

“I see the way you look at me.” He leans down and whispers,
“You know all about me don’t you?” His words stop me from
breathing. “I know about you too. Any doubt I had went away the
moment I felt your hand gliding over my ass. I knew you were
watching me, not Joann.” The back of his hand rubs my cheek. “You
have no idea how long I’ve waited for a sign from you, for
anything, just a hint that it could be possible.”

I swat his hand away. “That what could be possible?”

“That you could be like me.”

“I’m not like you.”

I can feel his eyes staring at me and I look away. “You
don’t have to be afraid. It’s okay. We can go off to State and
see what happens. We don’t have to tell anyone about us.” That
sets me off. I push him away and try to stand but I hit my head
on the top of the trunk and fall back down. He reaches out to
help me. “Are you alright?”

I swat his hands away again. “Get away from me. There is no
us.”

“Why not? I know you broke up with Joann”

“That was like five hours ago, how the hell do you know
about it?”

“Joann called Nate and he called me because he knew he
didn’t tell you so he assumed I did. How the hell did you figure
it out anyway?”

I say, “It just kind of came to me.”

“Well now that the two of you are over, why can’t we have
something? I’m not asking for much. I mean I hate being this way
probably as much as you do. That’s why this is perfect. I don’t
want to tell anyone either. You can have all the girlfriends that
you want and I’ll have some girlfriends too and we can have each
other.” He grabs my hand. “Can’t we?”

I want to. I want to so badly I can feel it throughout my
body. I want to have him. I want him to be mine. I want to grab
the back of his head and pull him close to me and kiss him but I
can’t do it. I’m not gay. What I’m feeling isn’t real. “We
can’t.”

He kisses me. I am thankful that it is dark outside. I kiss
him back because I can’t stop myself. My first instinct is to
pull him on top of me but then I start thinking. I can’t do this.
I can’t be this. I’m not this. I push him away. “Don’t fight it,”
he says. His hand starts rubbing up my thigh. “You want it too,
just give in.”

Oh God, he’s right. I do. I want it. I don’t want to want it
though. I push him away. “I won’t tell anybody about you, but
leave me alone because I’m not like you.”

He leans in and kisses my ear then whispers, “I’m the only
person around. I know that wet spot I felt is for me. You must be
leaking like a faucet just thinking about all the things we can
do to each other.”

“It’s not for you,” I protest.

“Don’t lie to my face. You can deny how you are all you want
but you can’t deny how I make you feel when I’m close. That’s why
you avoid me like I’m the plague. You can’t handle being near me.
What ever this is between us, its real and you don’t want it to
be. I didn’t want it to be at first but after Friday night, all I
could think about was you. I was going to wait until we went to
State to tell you how I felt but then Nate called and told me
about Joann and I wanted to stop by and tell you how I felt so
that if you rejected me I would know before school started and I
could walk on campus tomorrow and do my best to try to get over
you.” He puts his hand on my knee, “But now that I’ve touched
you again and kissed you again, I know I can’t get you out of my
system that easily. I need to be with you, just once. That’s all
I’m asking for. One night. We do everything we’ve ever wanted to
do to each other and then we try to go back to our normal lives.
I’ve got a single at State. You can give me your answer tomorrow
after our first practice.” He walks to his truck and gets in and
leaves.

I hate him more now because he has confused me. His offer is
tempting. I’m not gay but one night with him seems like a good
way to prove to myself that I’m not. All I need to do is be with
him and then walk away. Walking away will prove that I’m
straight. I can say that I’ve been with a guy and it’s not for
me.

I crawl out of the trunk and close it. I can’t finish
packing tonight. I can’t even think straight. My mind is a mush
of images of Scooter and memories of him touching me and kissing
me and standing close to me.

I go to bed and wake up the next morning at 6 so I can
finish packing up my car. I have breakfast with my parents and
then we say our goodbyes. My mother asks if I’m sure I don’t want
them to follow me up there. I tell her I’ve been to State’s
campus so many times I think I can drive there in my sleep. She
laughs and kisses me goodbye then she cries. My father gives me a
hug and tells me to call when I get there.

My father says, “Make sure you call Billy. Maybe the two of
you can grab a bite to eat.”

“Yes Dad.” I start to tell him Billy and I will never have
the relationship he wants us to have. All brothers aren’t going
to be close. Billy and I are a testament to that. The five years
that divides us seems like an eternity. The only thing we have in
common is a love of football. He lives a few blocks away from
State with some friends and he doesn’t come home much. I already
know what’s going to happen. I’ll call him, we’ll go to lunch or
dinner and we’ll sit across from each other and barely say two
words. Maybe he’ll bring up football and we’ll talk about that
for a few minutes but the conversation will die again and we
won’t resurrect it.

I get in my car and back out of the driveway. The house
looks different but I assume that’s because I know I won’t be
seeing it again for a while. I hope I don’t get homesick.

Campus is bustling with activity when I arrive. I pull up in
the parking lot of my dorm building and I go in to register and
get my keys. I check out my room first. I have a single in the
right next to the bathroom. My room is about half the size of my
bedroom at home and I wonder how I’m going to live like this. I
tell myself that my independence is worth the sacrifice.

I have my last piece of luggage in my hand and I’m locking
up my car when I see a red truck pull up. My heart stops. I’m not
ready to see him yet. The truck doesn’t fully park before Scooter
jumps out and says, “Hey Bobby!”

I don’t know what to do so I close my door, grab my luggage
and run to my dorm room. I pray he’s not in the same dorm as me.
I try to calm down by unpacking my boxes and fixing up my room. I
call my parents and tell them I made it and then I call Billy.
Billy doesn’t have much to say. We talk about possibly having
dinner over the weekend and then I hang up and take a nap.

I contemplate skipping the first practice but I remember my
scholarship and I don’t want to start out on the wrong foot. I
throw on some work out clothes and go to the field. The first
practice is easy. I keep my head down or focus on Coach Reynolds
because I don’t want to risk seeing Scooter. We get our numbers,
get dressed and run a few plays. Coach Reynolds ends by giving us
a workout room schedule and letting us know that all of us may
not make the team. I’m here on a scholarship so I know I’m on the
team.

I am in the shower when someone taps me on my shoulder. I
look to my left and see Scooter. “Have you decided?” he asks.

“The answer is no.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

“Are you going to the football party tonight?”

“I don’t know.”

“We should meet up and go together since we only know each
other.”

“I know Tony, Mark and Ron.”

“You just met them.”

“I’m safer going with them than I am with you.”

“I’m not going to do anything. I respect your decision. Can
I at least tag along?”

“Um”

He looks past me. “Hey Tony, you going to the party?”

“Yeah.”

“You want to meet up with me and Bobby and go with us?”

“Sure.”

“We’re both in Miller. Where do you live?”

“I’m off campus but we can meet in front of Miller around 9
and go to Mark’s to pregame.”

“Sounds good,” Scooter says then he slaps me on my ass and
asks, “How does that sound to you Bobby?”

“Yeah, that’s cool,” I croak. My left ass cheek stings so I
rub it.

“I didn’t hit you that hard,” he says.

I ignore Scooter and the rest of the guys as I focus on
finishing my shower and getting as far away from Scooter as
possible. I’m putting on my regular clothes when Scooter walks
over to me. “What?” I ask.

“What floor are you on?”

“Why do you want to know? I’ll just meet you by the door at
9.”

“I thought I could stop by before then and we could talk.”

“I’m not interested in talking to you.”

“Fair enough. I guess we have a date for 9.”

“It’s not a date.”

He smiles. “I’m in room 319 if you change your mind about
talking.” He walks away and I finish changing and leave.

I grab some food on my walk back to the dorm and think about
Scooter the entire time. I wish he would disappear. The best case
scenario for me is that he mysteriously vanishes and never comes
back. I can live with him being gone, it’s seeing him that gets
to me.

Around 8:30 I put on some fresh clothes and some deodorant
and sit in my room and wait to leave. I tell myself that I will
ignore Scooter all night. I plan on ditching him at the party. I
may even head back early just to make sure I’m free of him for
the night. At 8:50 I get on the elevator and go down to the first
floor. Tony and Scooter are already waiting for me.

“What took you so long?” asks Tony.

“He had to ride down all the way from the seventh floor,”
Scooter says.

I look at Scooter and wonder how he knows what floor I live
on. Tony begins walking, “Let’s go.”

Mark’s room is in some frat house a block away from campus.
His room looks more like bar than a bedroom. There is beer and
liquor everywhere. Scooter and I end up sitting on the bed. Tony
sits on a bean bag and Mark sits at his desk. Mark opens his
refrigerator and pulls out a few beers. He tosses each of us one.
He sets up his video game system and we play a few games and
drink and then we leave for the party around 11:30.

I am not drunk when I reach the party. I have a little buzz,
but I feel fine. I feel loose and I’m being nice to Scooter. We
go in the party and laugh and drink with the other guys. Scooter
and I both try the “State Pride Punch” that is mixed up in a
large cooler. The punch knocks me on my ass. I start feeling
happy. Scooter keeps putting his arm around my shoulder when we
talk to people and he keeps smiling at me and laughing with me
and I’m starting to mind it less and less.

Tony leaves the party with some girl. Mark meets up with
some guys he met when he visited during the summer. Scooter and I
cut out around 1. Scooter keeps his arm around my shoulder the
whole time. I sober up a little by the time we reach Miller.

We go in the dorm and Scooter invites me up to his room to
talk. I am sober enough to know I should say no, but I am also
sober enough to concoct a plan. I can go to Scooter’s room and
let whatever happens, happen and then I can blame it on the
alcohol.

“One night,” I tell him.

He squeezes my shoulder, “One night.”

We go to his room and I see he hasn’t fully unpacked yet but
his bed is made. He closes his door and locks it then his hands
are all over me. We kiss and I let go of my thoughts and just go
with what feels good and everything we do feels good. Scooter
taking my clothes off makes me want to melt. Touching his body
while I take his clothes off excites my fingers. Feeling his lips
leave tender kisses down my body makes me ache for more inside.
He kisses the head of my penis and I almost jump off the bed.
It’s all too much for me. He takes me in his mouth and rolls his
tongue around the shaft and I cry out in pleasure. Nothing Joann
ever did to me compares to his mouth.

He suddenly stops, “Why’d you stop?”

“You said one night and I want to make it last.”

“I can get off more than once.”

“Well in that case,” he buries me inside his mouth again and
I grab his pillow and put it over my face in order to keep from
screaming too loud.

His finger starts playing with my crack. It feels so wrong
but at the same time it feels so right. He takes his finger and
puts it in his mouth while he’s still sucking me. The added
sensation of his finger sends strong pulses through my shaft. He
slips his finger out of his mouth and presses it against my hole.
I know what he is about to do. I tell myself I should stop but I
can’t. I am too turned on to do anything but enjoy what is
happening to me. It feels like an out of body experience when he
sticks his finger inside me. I squirm and he pushes his finger in
deeper. He starts circling around with his finger and he rubs my
spot. He keeps rubbing it and I shoot in his mouth without
warning. He swallows and licks me clean. I stay hard.

He crawls up the bed and lies next to me. “Do you want to do
it to me?”

I look at him. “I’m drunk enough to try anything.”

I mimic everything he did to me. I lick the precum off his
tip and I have my first taste of him. He tastes tangy but good. I
start to suck him in earnest, eagerly waiting for him to shoot in
my mouth so I can taste more of him. I do the same thing with my
finger that he did with his. He groans when I push my finger
inside him. “I didn’t think it would feel this good,” he says
between pants. His words inspire me to suck harder and he rewards
me a few minutes later when he begins to shoot in my mouth. He
doesn’t shoot much but I like the taste of what does come out. I
clean him the same way he cleaned me and then I kiss my way up
his body. I can’t believe what I’m doing and I can’t believe that
I’m looking forward to doing more.

I reach his lips and I initiate a kiss. I grind my naked
body in to his and the friction starts feeling good, really good.
We stop kissing and I moan in to his ear while he moans in to my
ear. Soon I realize it’s feeling too good. I’m close to the edge.
I know from masturbating that I can only shoot twice and then
we’ll have to wait a while and I don’t want to wait to experience
anything.

“What else do you want to do?” I ask.

“Uh-uh-uh-I-uh-I want to be inside you.”

I get off of him and roll on the bed. “Don’t let me stop
you.”

He looks me in my eyes, “You really want to do this?”

“Yes!” He reaches under the bed and pulls out a bottle of
lube and a condom. “You’re prepared.”

“I knew we’d end up here eventually.”

“How’d you know?”

“Because you can’t fight what’s between us.” He kisses me
and then tells me to turn over. I turn over and he kisses my ass.
He starts kneading my butt and pushing me in to the mattress. I
moan.

“Feels good doesn’t it?” I moan my answer. He starts pulling
me up by my hips and soon my butt is sticking up in to the air.
“I can make you feel even better.” Something soft and wet presses
against my hole.

“What is that?”

“Ssh.” He licks my crack and I know it’s his tongue. His
tongue pushes in to me and I realize there’s something better
than being sucked off by him. Everyone should have someone stick
a tongue up their ass at least once. I start whimpering. I will
myself to stop but the sensations only cause me to whimper more.
He takes his tongue out and I feel empty.

“Where’d you learn to do that?”

“I read about it online.”

“How do I taste?”

“The same way I assume I’m going to taste when you do that
to me.”

I laugh nervously. I can’t imagine doing that to anyone. I
hear him open the lube and then I feel his finger sliding in me.
His finger feels cool. He wiggles another finger inside me. His
fingers are circling inside me, stretching me and making me want
to feel the real thing. He slaps my ass and then he takes his
fingers out. I feel the head first. He pushes in slowly and I
bite my lip because it hurts but I don’t want him to know. He
keeps pushing and just when I’m wondering if it will end, his
pubic hairs come to rest against my skin.

He waits a few moments and then he starts rocking back and
forth. He works his way up to pushing in and out and then he gets
in to a rhythm. I can’t believe I’m being fucked and I can’t
believe I’m enjoying it. I can hear myself panting, “Oh, oh, oh.”

His breathing becomes heavy and he kisses my ear and
whispers, “I’m about to shoot. Do you want me to give it to the
condom or do you want another taste?”

“Taste,” I pant.

Scooter pulls out of me. “Turn over.”

I turn over and he straddles my face and rips the condom
off. He starts jerking. I feel kinky and sexy and oddly enough,
appreciated. I stick out my tongue and he lets drops of precum
ooze on to my tongue then he grabs the back of my head and sticks
the tip in and shoots. It’s less than the first time, but just as
tasty.

He pulls out and smacks my face with his dick then he smiles
at me and scoots back so he can kiss me. He keeps scooting back
until his butt hits my hard on. I am seconds away from bursting
so the contact makes me shudder. I pull his face towards mine and
kiss him. “Now it’s my turn, right?”

He laughs. “My body is your playground.”

I do to him what he did to me and once I enter him I know
what heaven feels like. I last all of two seconds before I shoot
in to the condom. I pull out of him and apologize for not
offering him a taste. He takes the condom off of me and rolls it
down and sucks out my juices. Something about it is sexy.
“There’s more where that came from,” I tell him.

“I thought you couldn’t shoot more than twice.”

“I need time to recharge then I’ll give you more of what you
want.”

“You want it too,” he teases.

“We have one night together and I want to get as much out of
you as I can.” He kisses me and leans back and smiles. He looks
so cute. “Let’s take a nap so I can get my strength back.”

He spoons me and we fall asleep. I wake up the next morning
and feel his body against mine. I hate that the idea of waking up
like this every morning brings a smile to my face. I move because
I have to piss. He grabs me. “Where do you think you’re going?”

“I have to pee.”

“Are you coming back?”

Of course I’m coming back. I don’t want to leave. I try to
think of a legitimate reason for my return. “We never did it
again so I guess I have to come back and give you a good taste
before our night is officially over.”

“You do realize you’re going to be sober this time, don’t
you?”

I shrug my shoulders. “A deal is a deal.”

“And you are a man of your word. I like that.” He winks at
me. I put on my pants and slip on my shoes then I walk down the
hallway to the bathroom. I’m taking a piss when Scooter walks in
and stands at the urinal next to me.

I finish and wash my hands and wait for him. He rushes to
wash his hands and he practically flies down the hallway with me
following close behind. He slams the door and locks it. “You’re
not going to be able to do that tomorrow when the rest of the
students arrive.”

“I know.”

He kisses me and we begin an encore performance of the night
before. I didn’t know sex could be so satisfying and exciting. We
stop for a brief intermission and he asks if I’ll come back that
night.

I remind him, “The deal was for one night.”

“I know but I just thought maybe we could have another
night. Just one more, that’s all.”

“Okay, one more night, but that’s it.”

That one more night turns in to another night and another
night and soon we’re hooking up on a regular basis. I know I’m
not gay but I have accepted our relationship for the
experimentation that it is and I’m going to roll with the punches
for a little while. I’m sure I’ll have this out of my system soon
because I know this is just a phase. I am not in love with
Scooter and I never will be because I can’t love him. I like him
a lot and now I enjoy being around him but that is the depth of
my emotional connection to him. I’m not gay. I can’t be. I won’t
be.

c Lustyville 2007
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